For a long time I thought my divorce had left me broken.
That somehow I had relationships all figured out before the breakup and now I had lost my groove.
A sharp realization sometime afterwards let me know that it didn't matter how many relationships I had been in or even that I had been married, I simply did not know how to be in a relationship, let alone one that my partner and I could thrive in.
When I met my ex husband, I was feeling the most magnetic I'd felt up until then.
His magnetism, however, blew mine out of the water and I could do nothing but blindly surrender to him.
That was the thing though—I surrendered blindly. Without consciousness.
And with it went what I needed most—my boundaries, my hidden desires, my passion, my sense of self.
And these things that I needed so badly were nowhere near coming close to being developed in any way.
And they would never get to be developed with him.
And that is all on me.
What I had taken on as my truth over the years through my interactions with men and what I interpreted through what I heard in the media and society is that a woman should be low maintenance.
That she shouldn't speak the truth to her man if he acted inappropriately. (Most of the time it didn't even register in me what the truth was, that's how unconscious I had become).
That she shouldn't talk too much—just let him be.
That she shouldn't demand too much attention, just play it cool.
That she shouldn't be clear on what her deep desires are.
So I pushed down all my needs and desires until a deep resentment formed where neither of us were ever going to get what we wanted.
And then I wondered why this man who felt his needs weren't being met either, looked elsewhere.
I know that relationship was a gift and one that was offered to me for my highest Growth and to serve my Purpose.
And the words below are what I now know to be true of a Real relationship.
What my Soul always knew was True.
Ohhh this feels so different
As I pivot my body to meet your gaze directly
And hold it steadily
Anchored in my body
Buzzing with electricity
Seeing the holiness in you
Acknowledging the divinity in me
Feeling your desire for me
As if it were something tangible
Profoundly aware of my hunger for you
I spiral down into the core of myself
Feeling inside for what I know to be True
Telling you what I see, with compassion
And what I need, with care
And challenging you to do the same
Receiving it All with Love
With these simple, powerful, heartfelt acts
I can feel and see energetic tendrils
Branch out from each of us
And begin to merge
Our physical forms take over
As extensions of our energy
I let go in Feminine ecstasy
Into the beautiful, strong form that your Masculine is holding
Both of us alive in acknowledgement and awe
Of the fiery, Surrendered Love that we've created