20 years ago this month, a man who I was engaged to ended the relationship one month before the wedding—without much of a clear reason why
Still professing to love me but not wanting to marry me
In a way shattering my world
And nothing was ever the same again
~
I remember taking a week off from work to rest, while noticing—truly, for the first time—the incomprehensibly gorgeous blue sky and brilliant sun
Which both seemed to beam on and at me every single day that week, for the sole purpose of keeping me tethered to this world
For in a way
I was blown open into something deeper than I could fathom
A different world
But my unconsciousness could not allow consciousness to penetrate this gigantic pain!
So I—bewildered and fearing pity and being perceived as different from others—patched myself up
No. I didn’t even do that!
I walked with my gaping wound hanging outside of my body
Not knowing to honor and hold the wound or to seek someone to hold me amidst the pain
I just did what I learned to do—use my rational mind to continue to conduct the business of Life
Get back into the routine
Until I was cracked waaaay open months later
Completing a fissure that was set in motion by this original rupture
~
In continuing to live much as I did before,
I did what I thought I was supposed to do and what I saw others do
Take a stiff upper lip and move on, while
My mind chimed in and told me that it was weak to show pain
But the truth is I didn’t know how to feel pain, let alone show it!
But what I did do was see this as just another wound (a colossal one)
To go along with something else that made me think of myself as different from others my age
The loss of my dad four years before
But this particular rupture,
this engagement breakup
Quite honestly was different
For it hurtled me into the spiritual realm
Something that other ruptures in the form of death had not done up until then
This one was different because it cracked my World
My psyche
My heart
I felt unmoored
And something else was beginning to slowly happen in the months following
I was beginning to feel
And to search for meaning in Life
And to want a deep, vulnerable connection with another
~
What I have learned in the 20 meaningful and profound years that have passed
Since living through that first spiritual rupture, and all the subsequent ones
Is that they have been my challenge and benediction
They’ve tempered and strengthened me
So that I can grow
And I’ve learned to honor them all
To carry them all—no matter how overwhelming they feel
They have shaped me, nurtured me, even loved me
And I have held them, loved them (eventually 😊), integrated them
Learned their lessons
And strengthened my ability to be with their echoes, no matter how triggering they are
As I boldly live my life
A life that includes human love and commitment to vulnerability, honesty
and integrity—and the challenges and pain and joy that all of that entails
~
I’ve learned that we came here to learn and
to grieve
And to experience the pleasures of existence
Including Love
And that change is the true law of this world
And clinging to what is—with no growth—causes decay and stagnancy and depression
And so when the energy gets stirred up—as it always does—rupture happens
And yet we are made to handle rupture
To integrate its lessons
To use it as food for growth
~
I woke up to the beauty of Nature in the aftermath of that rupture because I was beginning to grow
Which is why the sky finally registered as that bold, mind-blowing Blue
And I was now able to feel the brightness of that spring Sun
Which is so different from how I experienced it that Winter, and every subsequent Winter
I was able to be catapulted into the Present moment in the midst of my pain and
Finally awaken to Life
And as I looked at this picture after so many years
First I felt shocked to notice how beautiful I looked back then 😊
And even more surprised to see how little Life there was shining through my eyes
Life that began to be released after this rupture ✨
Because through that suffering I woke up to Life
And to learn the value of it
I was sleepwalking before
Trapped in a verbal virtual reality created by my mind and it’s plans for the wedding
And not connected to the man right before me ~
This rupture disintegrated everything
So that something new could be born
Passion
Integrity
Honesty
Intimacy
And the awareness that this is what I wanted a relationship—and my Life—to be about
Even if it took years to bear fruit
The truth is, those seeds came into being
As a result of this rupture and
New Life was born
~
The seeds of that rupture have continued to grow
Aided by my consciousness and ever-opening heart
For I now that I know we’re here to experience everything
It makes sense
That pain stimulates joy
Love evokes heartache
And yet wrapped up in that pain is the possibility of ecstasy and connection
And as I’ve learned that rupture shatters the old and gives birth to the new
I’ve also learned that we are here to be brave
To take a stand for new Life
To learn to hold ourselves when we’re hurt
And eventually emerge with more heart, more empathy, more kindness
✨More Life✨
Grateful for the endless chances to grow and unfurl into the beautiful beings we are 🙏🏻❤️
~
Through these years I’ve learned to meet the wounds
To accept them
Which does not mean liking them
Or wanting them
Or giving in to them
Acceptance is like receiving something—like a gift—from Life
Which is always teaching and spurring growth
As we stay with the wound
And as we learn to honor the lesson
Hold ourselves in the pain
Learn to unhook from what our minds are saying about what this means about us—
Life energy flows in—that energy that was absent as l stared at my younger self
The wound can now be used for awakening
And growth
Because we grow in both spirit and humanness through ruptures
And so we can allow a breakup to become a breakthrough
To a deeper unfolding of who-we-are
Yes it’s painful
But it‘s more painful to stay the same
To go along
In our sleepwalk
Just being nice
Doing what we’ve been programmed to do
or achieve
I’ve noticed and tucked away so many qualities that I want to bring alive in a relationship
As I hold space for myself and for the contrast of sharp rupture
And I’ve noticed the deep, 20-years-long, ongoing commitment to grow through this breakup
Along with the others
And I take all of that cumulative intent and desire
And gestate it deep within
For the building of a new relationship
A relationship that can be—more deeply than rupture—a vehicle for growth itself ❤️
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In this video below, I share about my original rupture ✨
Until next time ✨
Much love,
Lauren