50

This week I turned 50

And as much as I’d like to say this transition has been easy
It most definitely has not 😂

I set a countdown on my last birthday 
I created a year long container 
To process this milestone

I spoke about it with whoever would listen! (I’m so sorry y’all ☺️)
I held my feelings
And myself through it

During this time 
Unhelpful memories entered my mind 
Of the character played by Molly Shannon on SNL
Who would brag that she could “kick, stretch and kick” while boasting “I’m 50 years old”
(While she truly looked way older 😂)

I also have a memory of the cake we got for my dad when he turned 50
It humorously (and solemnly, in my young mind) read “Over the hill”

I have also absorbed massive overt and covert cultural stigma over the years about this age
Especially for a woman 
~

While becoming aware of all the ways I was programmed to dread this transition 
This yearlong container has joyously helped me deepen into my womanhood 
Through it I became my own inner mother to my inner young maiden 
While clearly seeing I had been looking for men I was in intimate relationship with to do this 🤯 

It’s a container that’s encouraged me to step further into my power as a woman  
And all the emotions engendered here, including the not-socially-acceptable ones like rage and anger

And a container that I’m extending so that I can increase my growth, compassion, self-compassion, personal power, and ability to help others and myself
~

I have done and will do whatever I can 
To naturally preserve my outside
Right along with all facets of my inside

But I will no longer reject my age 
Or the changes that I see
Or myself because of it 

As I’ve been practicing for years,
I surrender to this time
To aging
To Life

I trust Life and where it’s taking me
As I’ve been saying regarding physical aging,
“I’m going to take the best care of myself. And see what happens”. 

And I thereby lean into Life 

Happy 50th birthday to me 🙌🏻💃🏻❤️‍🔥👑

(Thank you for being here with me during this milestone ❤️🙏🏻❤️)