I’ve been away for months, swallowed up in the intensity of grad school
My journey to become a clinical mental health and rehabilitation counselor started off with a bang on September 1, the night Hurricane Ida forcefully hit the northeast
After leaving my first class, amidst darkness and rough rain and in a town that I was completely unfamiliar with, my car became stuck in flood waters, and I very quickly had to abandon it
I spent the next four hours outside and huddled against the crook of a high school building, waiting for the police to take me to the local community center to spend the night
Living through that night felt as if I had been dropped into an alternate universe, one that was no longer safe and was a portent of the journey to follow
What helped me in those hours was my ability to access the deepest part of myself, my inner being, observer, witnesser, who helped me stay in the moment and feel a deep sense of grounding
Putting my situation in perspective also calmed me and encouraged patience
The truth is there were people who were in serious danger—trapped inside and on top of their cars—who needed to be rescued first
And so I waited calmly until I was finally safely inside a shelter and could sleep for the night
While feeling deep gratitude for the kindness of my amazingly gracious hosts for the next 12 hours until I was able to get back home
In spite of making it out of that experience alive and safe, it shook me to the core and the first few weeks of school were anxiety-inducing as this added more stress to an already earth-shattering experience
In addition to the instability of not having my beloved car
I felt the overwhelm of five graduate school classes and growing requirements of each
Merged with not having been in school for 25 years
Not quite understanding what was required of me for each class and assignment
All the while feeling inept and not smart enough
I held all of it though
My full experience
And I stayed in the moment
I asked questions that I intuited
And I learned to follow the strict criteria outlined in something that was not in use back when I was in school so many years ago—a rubric!
I learned to adhere to the “scholarly writing” rules of obscenely long paragraphs if they consisted of related ideas
I surrendered to the unequal relationship of professors and students
I devoted massive amounts of time, all the time I had, to do the work
I gave everything I had
I also felt immense gratitude for the kindness of some professors and the feedback and encouragement that they gave after each assignment that inspired me to do better and better
And as I worked my way through this first semester I realized
I have deep life experience to draw on to help me through this
~All that I’d learned in the corporate world for almost 20 years
~Most powerfully what I’ve learned as a coach working for myself for almost 8 years
~Which included continuing to ever deeply live my values
~In particular, Excellence guided me
Which does not mean perfectionism
But simply and ingeniously, the best I can do in any moment, while always aspiring to do better
~The value of Integrity also showed up and influenced how I interacted with others
~And dear Courage—which means living from the heart—oversaw everything
And helped me surrender to each experience for my highest growth
And with this strength, I felt the full range of emotions, from terror to elation
Knowing that no emotion would destroy me
Bolstered by all of this, I entered each moment to see feel and know what was required
While writing papers or corresponding with teachers and classmates
It ultimately came down to what I’ve been learning to do since embarking on this path of healing from rupture, self-development, and growth
I learned, once again,
To trust myself
And so I digest, integrate, transform, and celebrate as I ponder having completed 20 percent of the curriculum
And I try to rest, before the next part of the path begins in mid-January 😅
Thank you for reading and sharing the journey with me ❤️🙏🏻