10 years ago my mom died
In a way it feels as if it could have been yesterday
And yet as I increasingly experience time as stretchy, it feels like it could have been decades—or lifetimes ago
In the last few months, I’ve been surprised to be experiencing a deeper level of grief
It began welling up when sharing about her in my grad school classes, and I chided myself for the weakness I heard in my voice
I had a thought that “it’s been almost 10 years, I should have moved through this already”
While my deeper essence wanted to wail in continued agony that I don’t have her in my Life
~
I’ve chosen over and over again to be with and honor that deep-seated grief
Feel it
Hold it
Experience it’s textures
Learn from it
And reflect on where Life has taken me
In the years since It took Her…
I remember becoming aware of a feeling relief shortly after she transitioned because I knew she was no longer suffering
But there was also deep pain in saying goodbye to her and to the dream I always held in my eternally optimistic heart that she would be “cured” of M.S.—or at least brought to place of modest healing and increasing functionality
And then Life awakened me to the realization that she was the most beautiful model of surrendering to Life
She didn’t feel sorry for herself or need things to be different
She loved her Life and all the many people in it
Although I think she would have wanted more health and time with us
After she left it was as if I was freed from familial and cultural expectations of staying in a respectable, stable, well-paying, insurance-providing job—that I didn’t like
Her passing also ignited a fire in me
For more Life
And meaning
And purpose
Within the span of about a year and a half after her death
I discovered health coaching and I instantly felt in my gut/heart/soul that this was the path to take and after completing the training, I left corporate to do so
This was the boldest decision I’d ever made—and the scariest one, as I endeavored to create a business on my own, without the safety, benefits, and privilege of that job
Taking the path of a coach—even more deeply than losing my mom—changed my life
I learned to trust myself—to access my ego to generate the self-confidence necessary to put myself out into the world in order to find and work with others
I grew skills in coaching, writing, speaking, creating, taking care of my mental/physical/spiritual Being
I learned to let go of past hurts and to develop more self-awareness as to my part in conflicts and ruptures
I encountered manipulative coaches along with a benevolent, life affirming One who inspired me as to the kind of coach I wanted to grow into, as I moved from health coaching into Life coaching
I met my old and new wounds fiercely and deeply and I changed my relationship to them
I learned to be vulnerable and that it’s not weakness but a beautiful way to connect to people and our shared humanity
I learned to connect to and honor my Sacred Sexuality—to connect to and embody my Feminine and Masculine
I learned to deepen the connection to my Spirituality and let that be the anchor that allows me to weather any storm
And I faced a growing, formidable concern—limited money—as I was no longer salaried and found myself unable to adequately sustain the time it took to develop myself, secure coaching relationships, and do actual paid coaching work
I thereby chose to take the unexpected side-path of becoming a server in a restaurant to help support myself in my coaching work
Not realizing how this part of the journey would skyrocket my skills in surrendering to Life
And relating to my fellow Humans
And growing my abilities as a coach
I then called upon and strengthened my ability to surrender to Life as I experienced Lyme disease and a severe wound to my eye
And I used these skills to thrive during Covid lockdown, creating an ebook and a group coaching container for women
And afterwards, in the midst of creating a year-long wheel of the year group experience for women, I met someone very dear to me who set me on the path to becoming a counselor—A journey I never would have taken had I not met him 🙏🏻❤️
In taking this deeper part of the helping and healing journey, I set the firm intention that I am doing this to strengthen my ability to work with anyone in whatever rupture/trauma/crisis they are facing or have faced
To let that be my guiding force, especially when the road gets tough, and not the ego-based goal of having letters to put after my name
And so I surrendered to this ever-astonishing path
And I keep surrendering
Amidst all its challenges and triumphs
While I honor and hold the deep, enduring grief that is welling up as I mark the 10 years that my mom left this Life
Along with deep gratitude—because her transition set me on this once-in-a-lifetime journey
And I thereby take a moment to get quiet
And connect to Her energy ✨
Feel it envelope me in its Love
I feel our Eternal connection
Something that is always here
Should I choose to connect to it ✨
And I endeavor to live a Life filled with love, connection, service, and care
Continuing the pathway initiated by Her
I love you Mom ❤️🌹