I feel lingering shame
And incredibly vulnerable that I’m about to really call myself out ~
The thing is I’ve let the ideal of romantic love block the creation of true relationship
Which repeatedly left pain and heartache in its wake
This ideal
Programmed continually into me throughout my Life
Most potently when I was little
Powerfully and insidiously colored my perception of reality with an outer partner
Whether it was a result of being exposed to
Fairy tales where the prince found/saved/rescued the princess and they lived “happily ever after”
Or literally having my essence changed by taking in the energy of an aggressively impactful song when I was 11 years old that went:
“I need a hero, I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light...he’s gotta be strong and he’s gotta be fast ... and he’s gotta be larger than life”
Or watching Tom Cruise declare “You complete me” in the movie Jerry Maguire
If I continued to reflect, there’d be no end to the fuel I’d unearth that fed into my hopeless devotion to the notion of romantic love
~
I’ve honestly done so much throughout these years to grow through my romantic ruptures
And ultimately I was still—on some level—“holding out for a hero”, wanting someone to be the Masculine force in my life, to “save” me
~
But because I choose to travel this path of increasing consciousness and transformation
And the more I’ve been humbled in all areas of life
I finally opened up to receive what I needed most
Which is having the spell of romantic love broken
~
My experience of romantic love consisted of
Putting super-human qualities that I’d picked up from my programming
Along with my inner divine qualities
onto an outer man
While he did the same in relation to me
Getting addicted to the high-highs of that intense attraction
Not realizing that it wasn’t love
Or even friendship that we were creating
But an addiction to idealized perfection
That left little room to be the humans that we are and therefore very little relatedness and true connection and love was possible
And so the lowest of the lows would eventually transpire and a relationship rupture would ensue
And yet I was so hooked, so unconsciously enraptured by this ideal, that I’d still look for it again and again
Thinking “maybe this time the high will last”
~
But as I kept growing my attention
And presence
And groundedness
And instinct
And intuition
Along with being cracked open to my humanness
I opened to the inner shifts that were ready to take place through this multi-dimensional surrender that was necessary to wake up from this myth
Which guided me to begin—quite frankly—a misty, uncertain, incredulous journey of connecting to an inner Masculine part of myself
Which is so very different from the Masculine energy that I connect to and use in relating to the outer world
Of logic
And structure
And scheduling
And direct communication
And groundedness
And boundaries
I began essentially creating this “Inner Man” journey despite my mind telling me how crazy I am to do this and go here
That there is no logical way to do this!
Or the judgments my mind fears your mind will create about me in response to reading this!
And yet I hold the intention
To connect with that inner, deep Masculine part of myself
That inner energy that’s been waiting for so long to be connected to
That is erotic and potent, initiating and passionate, and divinely transformative and playfully-ecstatically-liberatingly creative
And which backs me up
Energy that has always been there
To enliven and turn on and direct and nourish and heal and fortify
That can also assist in creating a foundation for an outer, healthy, human relationship
Which will benefit from me taking initiative to live the divine and the deep Masculine I’ve been projecting onto men through my programming
~
All I can do now in the aftermath of my awakening is follow the instinct and intention that I’ve tuned into because
This path is not rational
It’s more than that—it’s irrational
Which simply, powerfully, paradigm-shifting-ly means to open to what is
To access knowledge through our senses—
Knowing that is beyond or outside of logic or reason
Because I know that living a life of meaning, of deep intimacy, of feeling, of aliveness—the essence of what’s important for me to take a stand for in Life and to live
Is not about following convention
Or logic
Or unhelpful ideals created and perpetuated by others
It’s about creating something new
And being courageous enough to step into it
Even if the path is murky
No matter how scared I feel
Or how judgmental my mind is in response
I let the deeper part lead
And I humbly, presently, courageously, ecstatically
Follow ❤️🔥💦 ☯️
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In this video below, I share more about finding my Inner Man with Heart
Until next time ✨
Much love,
Lauren