As I continue to heal and grow
I realize my learning to let go began many years ago,
As I witnessed a college boyfriend surrender to his feelings for me
But before moving into this
I also noticed that I experienced many other firsts during this time
I recognize now that he was the first man to project his inner Gold (divinity, potential, depth, hidden qualities, inner feminine) onto me
Putting me up on a pedestal
Idolizing me
Treating me like a goddess
A perfect woman
Being enamored with how I could, in his words, “party hard, and more importantly, study hard” and graduate college (something he hadn’t been able to do) ...with a pretty impressive GPA to boot
He truly loved me up and
Puffed me up
And didn’t see my humanness
He’s also the first one to tell me he was “falling” for me
Creating a curiously intense mixture of pleasure and pain within me
Something I still feel when I’m in the early stages of “falling” for someone
Those opposites are definitely intertwined in my experience
Which beautifully acknowledges the fragility and impermanence of romantic love
He was also immensely vulnerable...another first I experienced (with a man, or anyone really), which cracked open my heart, causing me to start “falling” for him too
In his vulnerability he shared how he felt about me and almost seemed out of control about it
And then I remember a moment when he told me he had listened to the Beatles song ‘Hey Jude’
And that it helped him come to terms with his feelings about me
I notice now that this song instructed him in how to let go
To surrender to this situation with me
The words in the song that stand out are
“The minute you let her under your skin,
Then you begin to make it better.”
He was using the song to surrender
To move into it
To feel it all
Face it all
The out-of-control-ness
The pain and the pleasure ✨
✨
He eventually moved through those romantic feelings and on with his Life
And I got to experience for the first time
Sharp fury at the unanticipated removal of affection
But ultimately, I wasn’t able to surrender to the pain of the breakup at that time
I didn’t really know how to do it
Or that I was supposed to
I honestly still didn’t know how to truly feel painful feelings
Especially heartbreak and grief
Let alone move through them
And so, I suffered through the pain of his withdrawal of “love”
His attention
It created a deep wound inside
Filled with anger and hurt and resentment
And words like “I’m not good enough” danced around in my head
(While outwardly I appeared cool and unaffected by the breakup)
These wounds would be triggered in the future when I re-experienced (more than once) being put up on a pedestal by someone, then removed from it and subsequently that person ending the relationship
But as I’ve experienced more and more intense ruptures—of all kinds
That all ripped open my heart
I’ve learned how to surrender, too
In my own way
As I’ve grown in my ability to
Hold myself
I’ve been learning to
Lean into Life
Into whatever is happening
Pain
Or
Pleasure
And everything in between
I’ve learned from the wisdom of the great David Deida
To “remain as Love in the midst of adoration or rejection”
Woah 🤯 (that was my exact reaction when I first read those words)
Because they can both hook us!
For me at this time this means surrendering to adoration (being put on a pedestal) or rejection (abruptly being removed from it)
To stay deeply connected to myself
Amidst Pleasure
Or pain
To be anchored
To the deepest place inside me
No matter what is happening
To feel the energy of both things without being overwhelmed by their torrents
This has been a sacred intention for me in this powerful year
And I’ve been given a lot of situations in which to practice 😊
I’ve felt the pain of what I’ve perceived as adoration and rejection
But even further
I’ve dialed in profoundly in order to deeply experience the acute pain and astronomical pleasure of this Life
As they swirl and rise, peak, crest and plummet
And I ride those waves 🌊
No matter how messy or violent
And within them
I attempt to remain open and undefended as love
But sometimes all I can manage is to be
Present and embodied as my bitchy-shadow-self 😊
And still
I endeavor, over and over, to be
Open to this-very-moment
Trusting it all
All the vibrant, exquisite, necessary flavors of Life
While going deeper still
As I learn to withdraw my own projections from a man
And move through ephemeral, romantic love
To free us both
To begin experiencing the real Gold
Deep, real, Human Love
Love that honors and holds our unique and also shared humanness 🙏🏻❤️