It’s with joy, pride, nervous excitement, and humility that I tell you I’m going to grad school to become a therapist 😅❤️
I must also admit that this wasn’t a happily-ever-after decision 😊
I started on this part of the path because someone dear to me, and who I hold in high regard, told me that I had the depth to become a therapist
Which of course felt amazing to hear in-the-moment
And then I began noticing resistance to the idea...
All the gremlins (as my old coach would call them) started creeping in
All sorts of feelings, memories and thoughts flooded to the forefront of my attention
~Unhelpful thoughts that I had about my own experiences in therapy all those years ago and how I desired more practical and effective ways of relating to my inner world and outer experiences
~Feelings of guilt that I didn’t apply myself more fully years ago when I was in college, despite getting good grades
~Related to these feelings were additional feelings of sadness and memories and thoughts of my mom and dad who paid for my undergraduate degree so that I didn’t have to take out loans and who are no longer in this physical life
~Feelings of fear as to how this would change me and my life
~Thoughts like “I’m not good enough or smart enough to become a therapist” (and on and on)
And I let the resistance and painful feelings and thoughts be there
I carried them with me as I took the beginning steps on this journey
I didn’t try to get rid of them or change them to make myself feel better
Because I’ve learned in the therapeutic work that I’ve started doing as a coach
And that I will do as a therapist
Trying to get rid of painful thoughts and feeling does not work!
It actually makes things worse!
I also had compassion for myself as a human, as I learn more and more about our minds and how they can relate anything to anything else (like my aforementioned painful thoughts and memories and associations that surfaced when I simply considered becoming a therapist)
Even when we are contemplating something life affirming and potentially joyful, painful, and uncomfortable internal experiences can pop up and cause us to stop dead in our tracks
And so I was very honest with myself and others as to what I was experiencing
And as I held all the resistance and pain and uncomfortableness
I hooked into why I would be doing this work
Taking this path
I knew that it was not about the letters I’d be able to put after my name
Or so my ego could get attached to the title and role of “therapist”
Or so my mind could finally feel “good enough”
I articulated that I’m doing this so that I can receive the training and develop the skills to hold anyone (and myself) in whatever they are experiencing
To help them learn how to relate to painful thoughts and experiences in a more helpful way....to drop the struggle with them and the need to get rid of them
While endeavoring to help them live a Life where they are moving in a life direction that they choose, that has meaning
Ultimately, I am doing this to live my value of Integrity
To do deep work in this world and to do it with competence and skill and compassion and humanity
And I realize this decision is related to what I intuitively wanted when I was in therapy many years ago
~To learn how to turn my mind into an ally
~To do something meaningful in and with my life
~While powerfully learning to hold myself in all Life’s messiness and joy
~And in the words of Mary Oliver, to truly live my “one wild and precious Life”
And through all this beautiful self-holding and awareness
I was able to slow down and become Present
And see that I have all that I need
Within and without me to do this
Yes,
As the person who suggested I become a therapist said
“It will challenge you”
But what would be the point if it didn’t?
And so I surrender ever deeper into this journey, which is my Life
Thank you for sharing in this very human admission and celebration with me 🎊❤️🙏🏻
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In this video below, I share more about this Life decision ✨
Until next time ✨
Much love,
Lauren