I’m continually learning how to surrender to Life
And so I wrote this post even though it required working through being nauseous and completely fogged, totally at a loss for meaningful words
And then getting even more ungrounded and spewing so many words so as to get re-fogged!
Surrendering to Life means that I trust it—and therefore I trust everything that’s happening in my experience, no matter how uncomfortable I feel with what’s before me
I trust that everything that is happening is offering me the chance to learn and grow and become freer as I get better and better at meeting each experience instead of getting hooked by it, running from it or distracting myself
Despite the obstacles, I knew I would persist and complete this writing
Because two of the values that I live over and over again are Courage and Authenticity
And I trust that what I’m supposed to write about at this time is what’s right in front of me—and I’m ready to truly see it
And so I trust that Life led me straight to a core wound of mine that wants healing energy: a feeling of not getting enough attention throughout my life
It began when I was little, and I was eclipsed by brighter spirits, so I shrank into the background
As a result, I created the beliefs that “I don’t matter” and “I’m not good enough”
That core wound that created those beliefs followed me into adulthood and I can look back now and say it showed up during my marriage
I didn’t realize then how deeply (and unconsciously) I wanted quality attention from him, and when I didn’t get it, I ended up withdrawing from him energetically
Making my way out of that marriage had me step more into my power and begin noticing my desire for attention(—and my disapproval of it too. More about this at another time)
I played with getting attention visually: wearing stunningly high heels in the corporate world, beginning to wear mini skirts after turning 40 and flaunting outright sexy outfits thereafter
And what I ultimately learned was that I could get attention in the purest way—with my energy
And yet Life threw me another test:
I was required to get on social media to market myself as a coach
This was my biggest challenge
Because this is all about attention!
And the truth is, of course it feels good when you’re posting and getting attention
And horrible when you’re not!
If I didn’t get what I thought was enough attention, up popped the belief that I created when I was younger: “I’m not good enough”
Yet again
When I get hooked by the feeling of not getting attention
And tell myself that “I’m not good enough”
It’s as if I become that thought and feeling
And I’m totally triggered
The painful emotion that emerges from the feeling of not getting enough attention is shame
Which is why I’d distract myself in any way possible in order to avoid it
Until I began surrendering to the pain and the words instead
I acknowledged they were really in my experience
I stayed with them
I felt them
I made space for them to release their energy
In really seeing them and letting them be there without resisting
I realized they are not me
I even befriended them
And I noticed all the other things in my experience as well
Thereby unhooking from them
I hold space for myself in this way
Just as I hold space for others as a coach
In doing this, I am giving myself the gift of quality attention that I so desired all these years
Holding myself as Life continues to trigger those wounds
Receiving opportunity after opportunity to learn how to unhook from them over and over again
Truly seeing them as words or images, not Me
In that action, I’m becoming stronger and stronger
And in that grounded strength, I can make the choice to move in a different direction—and so instead of using my energy to struggle with thoughts and feelings, I am using it to create in ways that are true to me
And (not so) ironically, part of my purpose is to get attention, in order to awaken and inspire others to live rich, full, vital lives created by what they want to stand for in Life
All the while empowering them in teaching them how to unhook from painful thoughts and feelings that inevitably show up along the way as they live as the people they came here to be
And so I live the question:
What can I say and do to get attention, while also being True to me?
Ultimately, this isn’t about trying to get more attention by being vulnerable about my wanting attention!
It’s about living as the woman I want to be: a woman who infuses what she writes, says and presents visually with her values of courage, authenticity, integrity and connection
Creating from Presence and a place that’s True
Being the clearest form of who I Am
And fully surrendering the outcome
~~Lauren Malloy