On this journey of experiencing ‘the rapture of being alive’, I’ve ventured into my darkness, and met grief, anger, frustration, and fear
I’ve taken detours to be with all of them in order to gather their gifts
And there’s one detour I’ve resisted taking
It’s being with the feeling of hopelessness
All the other sharper emotions appear tied to my connection with others and can feel so overwhelming as to make noticing them easy and being with them more essential
Hopelessness, on the other hand, feels very low energy
It’s a vague unease in the background that can permeate and feel as if it’s so much a part of everything, to the effect that it’s not always noticeable
It feels too much like it’s all about me
It feels lonely, cold and desolate
And when I notice that this feeling is present, I’m also aware of the thought that “I should do something (anything!) to stop feeling this way”
Even getting an inkling of this emotion causes me to feel shame—and my inner judger says “you have so much to be grateful for!”, and “you’re not supposed to feel depressed—what’s wrong with you!?”
I also have a story that the intenser emotions are more worthy to be with
And, if I value being True to myself
Can I be with this emotion too?
If I really trust Life
Then I trust what’s right before me
And so I gather the awareness and willingness to open to being with this emotion
And as I remember and then act on my value of courage, I choose to use my mind to be curious about this feeling instead of being a victim of it, and I ask the question
What’s the gift in being with this feeling of hopelessness?
And I receive the remembrance that it’s to let go of the preference of pleasure over pain, good over bad, light over dark, high energy over low energy
To use any emotion—even the perceived lowest—to come into consciousness more and more and more
To ultimately realize and experience that I am not any emotion
I am the witnesser of them all
Just having the courage to notice, name and then be willing to be with this feeling of hopelessness causes me to begin unhooking from it
This little bit of distance from it fills me with gratitude and
I release a sigh of relief
And I begin to let go of the struggle with it
I feel a semblance of peace, tinged with some remaining heaviness
And I again remember this part of me that is non-judgmentally aware of everything
And I close my eyes, and I become the witnesser of hopelessness, rather than the experiencer or fleer of it
I let all remaining thoughts just be there, and I focus efficiently on the feeling
I experience the part-of-me-that-notices this feeling as grounded, ancient, unconditionally loving
Bearing witness to what feels like eons of disappointment, depression, ennui and interwoven guilt
These feelings are like a black hole of nothingness
And they're not Me
They are like the weather that comes and goes, and I am like the sky which can hold it all
I see that they are emotions that I’ve experienced and that my mind held onto and incorporated into a mental construct of itself
As I separate from the feelings
The shame reduces
The feelings are still there—they're just no longer controlling me
In this wide-open sky-space, with my weather-feelings still present, I am free do something that has me continue to travel in my valued Life direction
As I experience myself as the sky, holding these weather-feelings, and still taking action,
I receive yet another lesson: I am not dependent on any one emotional state in order to experience the Fullness of Life
I honor the irony that being with the perceived lower energy emotions facilitated receiving the unparalleled gifts of self-respect and self-empowerment
And I continue to get better and better and better at traveling this sacred adventure-Path, powerfully equipped to meet all the visitors that appear right before Me
~~Lauren Malloy