Courage took my hand and
Infused my Being with her aliveness, heart-openness and expansion
I had repeatedly offered myself to her and
She finally answered my prayers, as I began to embody her energy
With her guiding me, I released, mourned, stood up for myself, and left
And thereafter I was led to a calling, re-discovered spirituality, and cracked myself open repeatedly
And as I continued down this ever-challenging path, I now found myself struggling with what she would have me do
She led me right-straight to experiencing fear and anxiety directly
And because I had tried everything else (repeatedly) to get rid of those feelings—to no (long-term) avail, I surrendered to her once again, and let her take me right to the edge
And I discovered that I’m meant to feel what I’m feeling without being consumed by it OR struggling with it
And it hits me that the most courageous thing I can ever do is be fully awake in this moment (or any moment) as these unwanted emotions are appearing
Not playing a mind-tape of what happened in the past
Or a new tape of what could happen in the future
But be willing to be right here, fully conscious, no matter what is occurring
Especially when I’m encountering the ferocity of these emotions
In this courage-place,
I re-learn to trust all my experiences
And I enter the space beyond the story that my mind is weaving about these painful feelings, and I meet them directly and un-defended
In this pure place of feeling, I position my awareness on where the emotion-cluster is in my body
I feel it’s edges, it’s temperature, it’s hot spots, the way the energy ripples and waves outward
I keep the part of me that notices fixed upon the pulsating sensation
I notice my mind coming in to narrate and rehash an unhelpful story
I hear those words being spoken
And I let them rattle on in the background as I use my attention to intimately feel the emotion-energy instead
I release the urge to get rid of it or succumb to it, and I slowly unclench my energy
And in this action I experience a feeling of letting go and then lightness and
I open wide to allow the emotion-cluster to just be there
And I experience that it’s not bigger than me
Even if it continues to grow
I can continue to expand around it
And I know that it won’t destroy me
And with the energy of spaciousness, I stay with it for as long as it’s there
No longer letting it stop me
My universe shifts
And I know I’ve found the deepest path of self-empowerment
And I accept that as I continue to grow, awaken and build a vital Life, these challenging feelings will continue to appear
And I realize it was never about getting rid of the feelings or fighting with them
It’s about letting them be there, to come and go as they will, to become aware of the helpful messages they may carry, or not paying much attention to them at all if their messages are not helpful
I sit upright in true appreciation that I have a way to be with them, while still acting like the woman I want to be
A woman who connects, creates, writes, teaches, facilitates, plays, lives and acts with Courage
Meeting everything with the awakened power of her heart
Experiencing the truth that (my beloved) Courage ultimately means “of the heart”
~~Lauren Malloy