During my early days of coaching and being coached
I bought into the idea of living Life by “following my desire”
What my mind took this to mean was realizing what I wanted—some thing or some person—and then doing the work to get it
Oh the ways this thought-idea messed me up!
~In one sense I took this way too far by blindly following desires
Hooking into situations that had limited meaning or substance
I was ultimately blessed with some powerful experiences
But I wasted a lot of time in the process
I was essentially being guided by desires generated by my self-concept, or ego
Wanting more clients to feel competent, successful and self-confident
Courting attention from others because I desired to feel good, to feel as if I was enough and to feel wanted
Ultimately I didn’t want to feel how I was feeling at times (overwhelmed, anxious, incompetent) or acknowledge my painful thoughts (“I’m not good enough”—yet again!)
I was turning my back on my own experience
When the deep truth is that on a higher level, I chose this path to grow, to move through my outer and inner wounds, to experience all of Life
~In another sense I was blind to the truth—a lot of the time we just don’t get what we desire!
Especially if we set a goal (desire) with a definite end date
But if we do get the desire, now what? Create another one?
And if we get that desire, it might be different than we imagined—Life might be opening us to pain for the purpose of growth and fully meeting Life
What I’ve humbly come to learn is
Life knows better than me what is right for me
If I had received all the clients that I desired when I first started coaching
I never would have persisted in developing myself as a compassionate human being,
willing and able to help others live Life as they desire
by teaching them how to empower themselves amidst the painful obstacles that inevitably occur
when we are bold enough to live an awakened, meaningful and connected Life
If I had gotten the connected partnership that I wanted
I never would have learned to unhook from my ego mind and connect to myself in that way first—the ultimate relationship Foundation
I never would have discovered my desired ways of acting in the world—what matters to me, what I want to stand for in Life, what qualities I want to infuse in the way I act—no matter what I’m getting or doing
I never would have learned this kind of self-empowerment
When I was married, we had a desire/goal of renovating our house
We got that outcome (not in my desired timeframe)
And when we got it, I felt nothing
The Life had run out of the marriage because I wasn’t living and acting in ways that I desired in the relationship—or in Life
It didn’t matter that I got the gorgeous house—did I have a marriage where we were acting with vulnerability, care and connection on all levels—physically, emotionally and spiritually?
No, because I didn’t know that was what I truly desired
Instead of naming desires, I learned to become clear in I how I want to act in the world—whether or not I get my desires
Using everything—especially the pain!—to guide the way
In the midst of our deepest ruptures, our desired ways of being and acting can be born
As we bring them into consciousness
Little by little
We begin to create and act as them
Noticing how we feel when they Live through us
And how different it feels when we do not
And we can use these desired ways of being to guide us on our uncommon journey
Having them function like a compass
Experiencing that desired-values are ongoing, never completed
It’s just like traveling North—there’s always more North to travel!
With desired-values as a guide, we can still set concrete desire-goals
And not get hooked by them
Those desire-goals can be beautifully-aligned occurrences that we meet along our trail—or not!
And if we should meet them, they will no longer be desires or goals
But we can continue to live in each moment—this Moment—as the people we want to be and stand for what makes Life rich and full and meaningful
We can chase our desires
Or we can live in ways that we desire
This is what we can control
We cannot control what we get—people or purpose
Yes, we can act in ways that increase the chances of getting those things
But ultimately we surrender the outcome—again and again—to Life
And Live instead in full, vital contact with It ✨