I spent years learning to meet, move through and eventually thrive in the midst of painful experiences in the outer world—death, divorce, the selling of a beloved house
My most formidable challenge in this realm, however, was keeping up the demands of a job in the corporate world
My mind felt as if I was giving it my best shot—and when it became increasingly tough and no longer seemed to serve me, I decided to leave and work for myself as a coach
I—ignorant in my blissfulness—thought all the challenges and difficulties that were stirred up in that situation (or any) were behind me
That it would be way easier working for myself, armed with my new coaching skills
And so that last day I felt free and giddy as I said goodbye
And the very next day I woke up to an awareness of internal challenges and difficulties that were far more powerful
Painful thoughts and feelings fiercely showed up as I strived to create a meaningful, awake Life
And it clearly dawned on me that I could no longer blame the outer world for my trials—all the obstacles were squarely within me now
Life had truly plucked me from one set of challenges and plopped me into another that could accelerate my growth—if I chose to meet them with openness and acceptance
But since I didn’t know how to open to and accept difficult aspects of my experience (or that I was supposed to), I walked my path for a long time in struggle with my thoughts, feelings, memories and limiting beliefs
The biggest reason for my difficulties was that I believed that the thoughts, feelings, beliefs, memories were me!
How could I meet them, when I was stuck to them!
It was so much easier to see the challenges in the outer world
My inner world, however, was a foggy mess
Up until that point in my self-development I also unhelpfully learned that if I became conscious of those painful thoughts and feelings, I should reject them, or run away from them
And so my mind tried to fix the problem thoughts and feelings by working to replace them with positive ones, reprogramming them, “tapping” them away
I tried to ignore uncomfortable feelings by eagerly diving into self development programs that I used to get high on connection with others
These methods worked for a while
And then all the thoughts and feelings would eventually come back with a vengeance
And halt me in the tracks of whatever I was creating
In the midst of my alternating times of struggle and ecstasy
As I slowly began opening to painful thoughts and feelings
I realized that what I longed for and was inspired by was a yearning for deep intimacy—not just with a partner and a purpose—but most poignantly with Myself and Life
And yet this strong desire for intimacy brought out even more painful thoughts and feelings
Because what I took intimacy for was only ease, buzz, bliss and connection
If it wasn’t this way, I’d reject others, myself and my purpose
And I would reject Life
Instead of learning over and over again to trust what Life was giving me
I realized that even though I had been programmed to move toward what felt good, what I deeply yearned for instead was to feel
Because if I wasn't willing to feel the painful feelings, at some point I’d stop being able to feel the joyful ones too
And if I can be with all my painful thoughts and notice which ones are actually helpful, I’m empowering myself to hold space to learn the wisdom inside the pain
Which can guide me on my way
And enable me to find sources of joy and fulfillment
By opening up in this way
I became intimate with pain itself
And I developed a new relationship to it
I began to learn from it and act differently in the world
And I realized the danger in avoiding the pain
Much the same as struggling to get out of quicksand will only cause us to sink deeper — and slowly lying back onto it gives us the ability to gradually climb out of it ...
Making expanded, accepting contact with pain is safer than struggling to get away
Living in this way is expansive, inclusive and freeing
I’m no longer rejecting my experience—or myself
And I’m living the ultimate realization that was born from opening to my pain:
Deep intimacy means fully engaging with Life, in all it’s darkness and light ✨ ☯️ ✨