I've resisted writing about my time at Connection Camp, because I knew I'd be sharing the biggest end-result—being diagnosed with Lyme Disease
I resisted it because my mind-based desire is to only write about positive outcomes—as well as experience them!
As I felt the early overwhelming symptoms of what seemed like a summer flu, my mind mercilessly flung a harsh judgment at me: "You're a failure!"
My mind was swimming in negativity—even using the fact that I started out as a health coach—and used that energy to beat me up, saying that I should have known better ("use bug spray *every* day at camp, not just the first day!") and "this shouldn't be happening because you're constantly working on yourself!"
My inner victim cried "I've had enough obstacles on this path, please don't give me another one!"
During this onslaught I managed to become conscious in order to unhook from all the unhelpful thoughts and identification with failure, seeing them as just thoughts and not who I Am
As I became grounded, I was able to seek for the deeper meaning of what was happening
What came through is the need for conscious self-care, on all levels
As I held space for myself during the first few days
The most profound gift I received was consciously coming face to face with one of the biggest beliefs that's plagued me for so long (and that ironically came out of my misperception of many spiritual teachings—along with conventional teachings) …and one that causes so much pain
It's the belief that everything needs to go my way or else "I'm doing it wrong"
The more we believe that, the more miserable we're going to be
The truth is that Life will bring us what is most needed
Whether we judge it as "good" or "bad" does not matter
What matters is how we choose to relate to it—we can see it for it's deeper messages and learn the profound lessons of Life, or we can see it as something bad and therefore shut down
And yes—I know this very well!—*choosing* to see the deeper meaning of anything and therefore not taking on victim energy is not easy and doesn't always happen right away!
I fell into the role of victim for years, until I learned to let go of control over what was happening, thereby regaining a sense of true power
This time I could have stayed in victim mode
Thinking that I was wrong and that nothing "ever" works out for me
I could have resisted the antibiotics prescribed to me because as a holistic coach I know what this will do to my gut health
Or I could be grateful to them for helping me work through this time
Being this surrendered helped me stay open to an alternative, holistic and deeper healing protocol, which will nurture me in ways I didn't realize I needed
And so… how about using everything that Life gives me?
What if I employ this event to become even more conscious and therefore more aware of what my Being needs to thrive in this time?
How about being more present, more nurturing, more aware of what's going on in all ways?
As a result of letting go of judgments about this happening, surrendering to what is and therefore committing to conscious self-care, an entirely different world opened up
I'm not fighting an inner battle
I'm more effective and efficient in anything I'm doing
I'm more focused on doing what it takes to create what I want in life and living as the sort of person I want to be
I'm more open to any interaction that I have with others, even if they aren't treating me the way my mind wants them to
I hold stronger and clearer boundaries with others
I'm even more honest with others, despite the fear that it could hurt our relationship
My love of functional foods has been reinvigorated and I nurture myself with more healing and supportive ingredients
I giggle more and feel pure joy uncaused by outer thing
I sleep deeper and feel more ease
I feel my body even more, noticing the tingles, slight movements of energy and pulsations
I honor, maintain and adjust my energy level so that I don't burn out…and I have more energy as I do this
Now the energy that pours through my body is more natural and flowing instead of intense
I shed even more energetic tightness so that my face appears clearer and more open
I'm more in-the-moment, noticing outward beauty, inward beauty, hearing Nature sounds and the inner sounds that signal that I'm a living, breathing woman
I ultimately received the gift of directly experiencing the connection, joy and *empowerment* that result when we are present with Life, no matter what is happening
(Picture taken at Connection Camp, unselfconsciously in my Masculine/Yang energy while playing team charades during Color Olympics 💙💙💙, courtesy of Mary Catanzaro 😘)