I See You

I wanted this relationship to be “perfect”

I wanted to be “perfect”

And yet here I was struggling to reconcile what was before me 

I had blown up
Spewing words and sharp energy 

And now my mind told me I had soiled my good girl persona
Again

I sat with the anger and sadness that was the direct aftermath 

I let it assault my mind and body 

And then I did something that I was starting to get better at doing 

I unpeeled those thoughts and feelings as if they were Velcro 

And witnessed them right before me 

Fear
I feel you gnawing away in my belly
Just like you did when I got nervous as a child 

I see you

Anger 
I feel your heat and passion and jagged energy
Just wanting everything to go your way

I see you 

Despair 
I feel the gaping hole in my chest as I let the pain flood in unabated

I see you 

I witness you all as part of the bigger tapestry that is Me

I feel the pure relief in letting it all be there
Not extinguishing it
Not trying to alchemize it
Not allowing it to take me over 
But letting it be 
Observing it 
Being with it 

Being with myself in all states 

Wondering at these budding feelings of true self acceptance

Letting the newness encourage feelings of nervousness and excitement to bubble up

Realizing that Light wants to come in to join the dark this time 

And staying unhooked from needing that to happen at all

Resting groundedly now in my Self, with everything dancing and swirling around me 

Ready to mend what was ruptured 

~~Lauren Malloy